Dirty Girl

I can't stop thinking about other guys. I have a boyfriend of almost 2 and 1/2 years and all I can think about is making sure I'm getting attention from any male I come into contact with.

Tonight at work, I flirted with my co-worker non-stop. Then a cute customer came in and I was in gaga land.

I log onto Myspace tonight and hope to find some friend requests from some smokin' guys.

I text message some guy I met last week at a club and we have a date set supposedly even though I have a boyfriend. (How will I handle that dilemma? We shall see.)

I look up some porn online because I'm depressed and masturbating always makes me happy.

With everything going on right now, I just want to be settled down and married and everything taken care of for me. 

Conversation with boy...

Him: so you thought you were cool talking smack after the game huh! how about you and i go race at F1 on friday and see whos talking then :)

Me: lol what's F1? I'm not from ________ I'm on the west side

Him: haha its a place..they have go carts that go 50mph theyre fast! you have to wear a helmet and stuff

Me: I've never heard of it but it sounds like fun!

Him: it will be ;)

Me: Friday or Saturday?

Him: You wanna get smoked sooner or later? jk. Friday

Me: Alrighty I'll let you know ;)

I want to fuck someone new. I know if I wanted to I could fuck this guy but it's honestly not worth risking my relationship of 2 and 1/2 years. What to do, what to do...

Always Play Safe

I got a call from my doctor today. Bad news.

It all started off over a year ago when I got my first pap. The results showed abnormal cells. My doctors didn't make it a big deal so neither did I. They said it was kind of common to have abnormal cells and to just come back in 6 months so they could monitor any changes.

I went back 6 months later (which is 6 months ago) and got another pap. Results? You guessed it, abnormal cell-growth. Fantastic.

I go back again a month ago. Now they're paying attention and scaring the shit out of me. I get more results and now everything is even more abnormal than before. FanFUCKINGtastic.

I go to a "specialist" about 2 weeks ago. I got results back last week saying everything was fine, my vagina is just abnormal. SYKE! Doc calls today and I have HPV. 

I have HPV... I'm that statistic 6 out of every 10 women. How can that be? I'm not sure how to take it. If I should take it super serious and just pray for the rest of my life or if really it's not that big of a deal and I just have to protect the puss. I've heard of so many stories of my friend's friends who have had cervical cancer or HPV and have gotten through it no problem; I'm praying I'm one of those lucky cases.

I even got the Gardasil shot (DON'T GET IT... THERE ARE SO MANY POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS. I WAS JUST LUCKY I DIDN'T REACT TO IT!) But the shot obviously wasn't enough. The only sure way to not get HPV is to just not have sex! But that's just too fucking impossible so I found a better solution. Safe sex.

Even though my vagina is sick, I'm feeling healthy and fit.

First Thoughts

To better comprehend what I go through, I've decided to write. I, like so many people, have so many fucking thoughts on my mind that I can't tell a human face to face. It is much easier for me to vent and broadcast my thoughts to a screen. I don't get feedback, I don't get criticized, and I can delete an event I just simply want to forget about. Welcome to the 21st century.

I'm a sex addict.

I'm a porn addict.

I have a disease I'm just not sure what it is yet.

I am insecure beyond reason and probably will never change.

I'm locally famous. 

I'm a college student with an undefined major.

I hate my family life.

I'm shallow and selfish.

I have enough emotions for 25 people.

I'm a great listener when I want to be.

I think about the future too much. 

I need therapy.